Better Than My Solitude

This quotation jumped out at me when I saw it posted in the ether some time ago… It rings so very true for me.  I couldn’t say whether it is a result of an empathic heart, INFJ tendencies, or the heavily-leaning introverted side of a potentially ambiverted personality. . .

My solitude is my sanity, and there are times when I must shut out all but what my body does involuntarily – my beating heart, and a chest which rises and falls like the tides, my sole companions.

For a long, long time, the thought of anyone in my space bordered on “terrifying.”  It was not specifically a fear of loss, whether to freedom, or privacy, or presence…but more that my soul needed the expanse in which to re-calibrate and recharge.  It felt almost like an affront to my very essence to have someone impede spatially in my life – as if I had no sanctuary my own.

I’m still a lot like a lone wolf, but there is one person with whom I am blessed beyond rhyme and reason to have in my life.  And he…he won me over so much so that his presence challenged my comfort zone…and single-handedly defeated it.

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The Effects of the Narcissist’s Disappearing Act: Operant Conditioning and Learned Helplessness by Esteemology and Savannah Grey

I really appreciate this blog – Esteemology – and have for some years.  I turned to it during a time of (rather desperate) need, and found it not only enlightening, but incredibly comforting.  

This particular article touches on a subject that was, at one time in my life, my only reality – the act of disappearing was something I dealt with often with my then significant other.  Not once a week or once a month, but sometimes several times a day.  The situation as a whole was painful and terrifying – I don’t recall a single day without having a knot in my chest and fear in my belly.  It was, essential, like living in a perpetual state of flight-or-fright, panic mode.  If you have been there, you know how debilitating that is – the resultant dysfunction makes even simple daily tasks seemingly insurmountable. 

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The article talks about “learned helplessness,” a concept I am far too familiar with, and one that plagues codependents, empaths, and others in abusive situations – it is important to be discussed out in the open, as it is often misunderstood.

For me, the value of blogs like these is immense – they can, quite literally, change a person’s path for the better, when just about everything else has failed.  They provide a sense of community, understanding, and support when it feels like no one is listening, no one understands…or worse, like no one cares.  We don’t all have the luxury or money to be attached at the hip to a therapists – For me, I can safely say reading (blogs such as this) was a godsend.